False Starts

Привет мои друзья!
Thanks for coming back!

The thought of learning a foreign language is a huge, daunting, and frankly terrifying idea.  At least it is to me.  We spend our entire lives learning our native language, always learning new words and never truly mastering all the grammatical structures introduced to us.  How in the hell can we be expected to learn a second language with its own sets of rules and millions of different words?  Learning Russian may even been worse than some other languages- It doesn't help my confidence when some of my native Russian speaking friends say things like: "I don't know why you decided to learn Russian, Jen.  But you're crazy for picking it... good luck!"  Oh, thanks guys!

I've played around with language learning most of my life.  When I was a kid, maybe 5 or 6 years old, my mom stuck me in French lessons.  I don't remember the classes, the instructor, or my fellow students.  I don't even remember how long I took the lessons!  But I do remember one (and only one) phrase from these lessons -  You can drop me in Paris and I can loudly and confidently ask someone: "Comment allez-vous?" (How are you?) and then I'll quickly pray to God they answer "Tres bien, merci, et vous?" (Very well, thank you, and you?) so I can respond "Tres bien" and walk confidently, and very quickly, away.

After my foray into French, I didn't have much exposure to foreign language again until high school.  Sure, I learned the odd Spanish phrase or some numbers here and there, but I didn't have any formal training.  High school was when I got my first real taste of learning a foreign language. And what a taste it was...

I'm sure most people have horror stories from high school language programs.  Mine, I am confident, is not much different.  It is sad to me that many teachers can't make language learning fun and engaging for their students.  Endless grammar drills and what seems like countless hours of standing at a blackboard conjugating tends to sour a student's taste for learning.  It sure did mine!

Maybe my first mistake was signing up for Latin.  Choosing a dead language over a live, spoken one may not have been the best decision, but I was 14!  Latin sounded exotic to my young, nerdy brain.  I could go into a medical profession with the knowledge of Latin!  (Even though I had not intentions of doing so.)  I could say pretentious things at fancy parties! (Even though I never went to fancy parties.)  And best of all, it wasn't spoken so I could sit quietly in class, confident I would only ever be asked to show my language skills on paper.  (I've always been quiet and much more confident expressing myself in written form.  I'm glad to say learning Russian is helping me overcome this, but more on that later!)

Besides, Spanish was "boring" and I already knew all the French I'd ever need to know!

I hated Latin.  I've blocked almost everything I learned in that class from my memory.  I would sit in the back of the room, cowering behind my book, hoping the teacher wouldn't see me.  Of course, that just made me more obvious.  I wanted to die every time she called me to the front of the room to conjugate something on the blackboard.  I could never remember what to do, what order to write the endings in , or even what the word meant.  I'd stand there shaking, playing with the chalk while other classmates came and went, easily completing the task while I stood there like an idiot.  They would scribble their answers nosily on the board and return to their seats while I stood there silently, drowning in my own embarrassment.  How was it these other kids could understand this better than me?  Am I really that stupid?  I'd listen to the teacher, my eyes glued to the floor, while she scolded me for not knowing the answer, before returning on wobbly legs to my seat.  It was horrible.

And I decided all language learning must be like this.  One set of embarrassments and humiliating  experiences after another.  It obviously wasn't for me.  I wasn't smart enough.  Or maybe I didn't have they mythical "language learning gene."  Maybe some people could handle the stress and anxiety foreign languages induced, but not this girl!  I struggled through my Latin classes until I, just barely, satisfied the foreign language requirement and gladly ran away with a C, very little knowledge, and a shattered idea of what learning another language was like.

All that fear and anxiety came crashing back not very long after high school graduation when I attended freshman orientation at the University of Tennessee at Martin.  When I was told I'd have to take a foreign language as part of my chosen course of study, I wanted to bolt!  But there was no way around it.  Even if I could have taken a Latin test to get out of studying another language, I wouldn't have known enough to get a passing grade.  I was stuck.  I signed up for French knowing that a couple of my friends were taking it, so maybe it wouldn't be so bad.  Besides, I'd be way ahead of the rest of the class with my one French phrase!

It wasn't a horrible experience... in fact, it could have been a great one!  But I let my past experiences and old fears cloud any good ones the class and professor offered me.  The professor was nice, but as a native speaker, she intimidated the hell out of me!  I was always afraid I would mispronounce something, or say the wrong word, and maybe she would laugh at me.  The moment she started teaching us grammar, my brain shut down.  It was around this time I started having some personal problems within my family, too, and this only complicated matters.  She was a great professor, sitting down with me around midterm and offering to help me out in any way she could.  She told me she would give me extra help or find me tutor, but I had already decided I couldn't learn French, so it didn't matter.  I don't remember what my final grade was in the class, but I don't think it was great.  Needless to say, I didn't sign up for another semester.

After a couple years at the University, I realized I still needed to satisfy that pesky language requirement.  So, with a pounding heart, sweaty palms, and a sickly nervous feeling in my stomach I signed up for German 110, Introduction to German.